To trace my palm,
Who's future are you trying to read?
The Veins upon my wrist
sketch terrain to my
heart
my breath, my staccato, my tempo
but my rhythm is set between my hips
my lips
and there is the rhapsody.
so spread your fingers wide to span my waist
the keys are there, so learn to play
before winter takes this flesh again

my biggest weakness? Classical musicians and academics. Haha, you asked.
But your right, I don't know what I am looking for anymore
mmm, my hair is short now, I guess you wouldn't know that... oh and I am thinking of taking next year off! I just don't know about anything anymore, what i want to do, who I want to be, hell if I even know who I am right now.
haha, and now you've made me go a sound so melancholy, your turn now before someone starts asking weird questions.
Oh! And a picture I hope you'll like

remember Cap Roig, Tarragona, Spain

Back in a Little Black Dress

With a year gone and past since my last posting, and many new experiences, it feels like it is now time to notch a new belt.

with this I will start new, My past year will be my own, and will only be refferred to. There is too many current themes that need updating that it will take far too much time to fill everyone in. Important points

-I moved to B.C. and now I am back in Bridge City

-I am still a student

Now onto life

Snowboarding has become amazingly a huge part of my life, I live for my days at the hill. Sun, Snow, and Most importantly, hot snowboarder boys

I am loving the single life, i am dating, but not in relationships, Though us all being human, sex is sometimes an issue in my attempts to keep it a non-issue

I am going to keep these short and sweet so lets go over our list

B-Boy:Cute breakdancer I dated waay back in the day for about a week. It was, and is, very PG

Jesse:Old Flame from Kamloops, deadly

Bar boy:A random hookup that occasionally raises its tousled head

Stalker boy: enough said, more in a later update

CB: One of those very cute boys who you just always have a crush on

Nightcap: An old friend who is quickly becoming an undercover man for under the sheets

Guerrila warfare and cake mix

Ahah! It has been awhile hasn't it? But in the spirit in which this blog was started (as an excuse to avoid schoolwork) I have returned!
Perhaps its the white chocolate mocha (with a dash of peppermint), maybe it's all the new cute clothes that come with the season, or perhaps it is the upkeeping of my strata (much to the detriment of my wallet) but I seem to be in a frantic, yet happy mood.
I should be writing a paper, dealing with my phone issues (such as getting it fixed so people can contact me once again) and generally be getting my life together, but you know what? In the timeless words of my 6 year old brother...
I don't wanna
So there, instead I am going to waste this precious time posting things that caught my eye! Now if any of you are looking to be entertained or updated on the life of Caitlin, click back to your facebook or whatever now. In fact, do that anyway, this is simply for me and posterity.

"Love is hell!'
"Oh? Well Pergatory isn't a picnic either, at least your committed!"
"oh he's committed all right did you kno-"
"Discarding that notion, I must be in heavan then? Hmm, thats little consolation."
"Ted? What do you think?"
"Who me?"
"See any other Ted's around?"
"Funny... I think I am glad I am an athiest!"

All my life I have lived in a shadow of a mountain. I have called him father and he in turn endeared me as son. As a child my siblings and I would rumble and tug, leap and crawl upon him, causing him to excalim "Am I a man or a mountain!" to which our delighted voices would reply "A mountain!", how young, how astute, how precocious were we.

Take a bow,
nod your head,
just one more moment
and they'll be dead

the fleurescent wash,

for eyes ascending

safety in light

forever depending

the darkeness brings forth

the moths, the desperate

for that fire, that knowledge

willingly abdicate.

Fly forward,

wings like a nervous hand

fluttering, alighting

without a safe place to land

a transaction in darkness, for we will only fly to the flame, and up in smoke!

up up up she goes, up she goes up...

are you pensive? are you present? alive? a comfort?

I ask again are you a comfort?

truly you have forgotten your powdery wings, and your precarious posistion

how pregnant with fear and hope in equal measure

have you left them shattered or simply unfinished,

and why do you still persue that rainbow? you know it is intangible, a translucent thing, without even enough reality to slide upon your fingers

don't falsely endear me, when you cannot claim to know me

except within the biblical sense.

I tried counting sheep to help me sleep,

but I only knew enough people to stave off the night

shall you know my name, but only a name?

like pretty or nice, or cruel and human

Surely any other flower?

so sweet

the chemical comfort,

Where thy loyalties lie

A little piece of wisdom for everyone out in the world.

A Saturday is nothing without tea and toast.

So I am just updating, I have a job at Cowboy coffee (think Starbucks then up the quality about 20 times, that's right, we are barista's, coffee bean specialists and ambassadors to the finer of Kamloop's citizens. We serve the Lawyers and power suit business people of lovely downtown. I am working full time and loving it.

Just now I got back from strolling the downtown streets with Kip (my dog) Adrian (friend) and Reba (The pure-bred golden retriever show dog... Kippy is still the best dog in the world) It was fun, grabbed some lattes from work and sauntered the streets in the rain. Funniest moment is when a guy stopped to talk to us about Kippy (Haha she gets more attention then us!) and says "Hi grandma" to Adrian. She had her hood up and he thought I was out for a walk with my grandmother! Oh my, by far the best nickname story. This one is gonna stick!

Tonight I am off to a BBQ with some friends then a barnyard dance with Megan (a friend from work) and some others. Should be a good time, sobriety not welcome!

So I have been busy, I am currently "seeing" a guy named Pieter who I met while working the shutdown at the pulp mill. Oh wow is he gorgeous! Tall blond and built like a Calvin Klein underwear model (I know cause we went to the beach the other day!). He is Icelandic and the funniest thing is he has an Uncle Thor (I know I cant get enough of this!) who teaches Jenny's class. I think I will just leave out the fact that Jenny and all her friends think that Thor is a total creep. I suppose Jenny will have to miss family get-togethers. It isn't serious at all (don't worry guys, I am not going to fall in love here despite thoughts to the contrary) but as much as I joke I only go out with him cause he is a great looking accessory he actually is a really great guy. He is very quite though, not a big partier, prefers to just watch a movie or go to a pub for drinks, definitely a different pace then I am used to but I don't mind.

So Jen just got back from a week in Van, mum is up for the weekend and dad is here so we are back to a nearly full house! Maeve is back in a month, Andrew and Dan were supposed to come up this weekend but they decided not to (Andrew couldn't get off work). But come Monday the house is empty again, Mom is back in Van for the continuation of her bar course, I drive Dad to the airport so he can jet off to Prince George for the week and Jen... oh well she is around but I work 9-5 all next week and have some things to do so I don't know how much we will be together. I think I am going to set aside a few evenings for just her and I. Sushi and movies or something like that.

Well I have to go get ready for the BBQ and by that I mean I have to go pick up a case of Molson, If I am meeting a bunch of new people I better be able to offer them some beer, the automatic friend maker!

That is all for now, sorry it has taken me so long to get an update out to you all! Drop me a line! Jordan I will send you my addy, I am definitely looking forward to some CD's! Miss you Jackomite! Kayla! Be good darlin, it's breakin my heart to be away from you (haha heartbreaker!) will be up to see everyone sometime soon!

Oh, and for me, how about you all blast some ridiculous song (like take it off by the donnas) and dance around the kitchen singin at the top of your lungs, the amount that I do this nowadays it is more then possible you are dancing and singing with me!

Song: Redemption by Gackt

Saying: Always remember, the future comes one day at a time

~Love from The Girl

the dangers of society, pt. 1

So this is a conversation I just had, struck a chord with me with how true to society it is so I put it her for posterity. (posterity... post-erity... allright, just believe me when I tell you that pun was unintentional but when I saw it I couldn't help but point it out.)

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
hey

Caitlin~*~ metropolis has nothing on this says:
hi!

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
how are yah?

Caitlin~*~ metropolis has nothing on this says:
great grand you caught me in a really good mood

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
im glad to hear it

Caitlin~*~ metropolis has nothing on this says:
lol, how are yah?

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
im pretty good

Caitlin~*~ metropolis has nothing on this says:
only pretty good?

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
well im tired and a bit sore

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
buit other then that everything is awesome

Caitlin~*~ metropolis has nothing on this says:
tired and sore... climb everest? battle personal demons? save a kitten from a blazing inferno? what happened?

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
well i was in the middle of saving the world from a crisis when i realized that i had to work so i worked for five hours

Caitlin~*~ metropolis has nothing on this says:
and then saved us from that evil genius who was trying global takover by controlling the weather patterns? I am so proud to know you!

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
well i do my best to save humanity

Caitlin~*~ metropolis has nothing on this says:
haha, which is all we can truly ask for, but you know the human race, so fickle, our heroes need to let us down but once for us to turn our backs on them

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
it's so true

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
i just don't understand it

Caitlin~*~ metropolis has nothing on this says:
its tough to be a superman

"This is where we fight! This is where they die!!" says:
it really is

~Well that was it, think on it, and not that passing "hmm, you are right 'the girl', thats interesting" really think about it!

Oh and I will have an update later, I am in a really good cause something I was terrified about turned out for nothing (thank the powers that be). I wont even tell you guys it was that ridiculous. But I do indeed have stories that I will try to include in here when I want to spare the time.

Song: 11:11 PM by The All American Rejects

Saying: If you obey all the rules, You will miss all the fun (Katherine Hepburn)

Turning over that damn leaf only to find it is still just a leaf.

Just updating quick! Start work tomorrow, which, although I am gonna miss just lounging on the deck, is still a good thing seeing as I spent my last 500 on a new summer wardrobe. It consists of ridiculously expensive Capri's and tops, oh and a white suit! They are all so pretty, sigh....

So working at the pulp mill! Yes, I have a hard hat, and earplugs, and a radio, and safety glasses, and all sorts of nifty safety stuff I have to wear. It is rockin. I will make sure to document it for all of you at home.

I love a mall here, Aberdeen. So great! The pool at the university is amazing, I have found myself a nice pub called Duffy's, and went for a great BBQ the other day and met some interesting people.

all in all life is alright. I saved a baby bird yesterday, tried to set it free only to find right back in need of rescuing, took it in, fed it, let it sleep in a shoebox and set it free again this morning, and... It came back by afternoon. I have given this one more go and hope that it doesn't come back, because frankly, as much as I would love too, I just have no time for baby bird. I am working a week straight starting tomorrow and each day will be a 12 hour shifts. There is no way I can work that and still take care of chirpy! Hope to lord I never have to deal with unwanted pregnancy cause dealing with baby bird is hard enough.

Well enough of that random rant. I will end this post the same as the previous one and I am sure many to follow. I miss you all and hope to see you soon!

Song: Never again by Kelly Clarkson

Saying: That which burns brightest burns out first.

No through road

So I am in Kamloops (yeahhhhh)

So far so good, I have spent my last few days of idleness wandering the streets, figuring out how to get downtown, seeing my new house, deciding various things and checking out the new digs. The house is kinda cool, not our house, but we can change that.

I also have applied at Thompson River University, or TRU for short. It feels like Highschool it is so small, and get this, they have an acting school and culinary school on the oh-so-small campus. Oh my, I am a snob. A Universtiy Snob. I honestly feel to good for this school, and am pretty much gaurenteed admission even with my not so steller GPA. I cannot really specialize without going somewhere else, but it seems like there isn't alot that can really be done here, you must go somewhere else.

I am not positive even yet if I will stay here. I know for the summer, but following I might decide to return to saskatoon and only take 3 courses a semester. Lighter course load means more time to work and earn money, as well as more time to decide on a futere plan of action. Then again, it also means if I want to go into law then I have 2 more years ahead of myself. Life is full of hard decisions

there is also the case of where will I live, there are many places available, Kat is offering me a room, dan said sure, so did tyson and Jenna, but I also might move in with jackie if that goes through. Then there are all my friends who say they want to move out, but I am not holding my breath.

Well I have my first day of training at the mill on the 9th, then a week later start working. 2 grand in 2 weeks!! pretty nice!!!! Then I am working waitressing and at sportchek here. my life this summer will be work work work. To keep options open one must first have the money available to make any decisions they want.

Enough of the now, and the future, what of the past?!

Friday was a top night everyone! Top Night!
unfortunately it was one of those top nights where I was extremely smashed and don't remember everything, so the highlights

-Cant get in! Then jackie gets me VIP entrance
-being flipped before I knew what was happening.
-drinking in the back with Jackie
-lewd suggestions for one of my guy friends who just so happens to be taken! B! Not many people will know you and I have never met your girlfriend, but I do know she exists!
-bonfire
-passing out, twice...
-getting to dereks god knows how... how did we end up with you guys anyways?
-the most politically incorrect jokes ever!
-great fun!
-damn bruises

then there was the ride to kamloops, I saw so much wildlife! It was ridiculous! my mum and I snuck into a hottub after hours, tried out the merrils and listened to a great story. It was a pretty good trip!

Now in the city I went for great sushi already.

What more could a girl want?

Well I miss you all, Jamie I so badly want one of our work talks!!! I only just realized I confide almost everything in you, how did that happen? I guess its cause your one of my only friends who is truly good :P

Kayly! Of course I will let you get me drunk when I get home!

Jordon, Kayla.. hahahaha all I can say, and kayla, You are a much better person then I, rather then tend to his drunk ass I would have just left him on a curb!

Song: 32 flavours by Alana Davis
Saying: I am a poster girl with no poster

Thats all! tata for now!

Love the Girl

displacement

With my impending move nearing by the second, I have come to realize that I am, inso facto, homeless.

I have had "houses", but there never was, nor ever will be a place, a concrete location, that is "Home".

It really isn't nearly as depressing as it seems.

This realization came upon me last night. With all my worldly possessions having being stripped from my latest house, I found myself having to lay my head upon one of the polyester encased pillows which are so commonly found within hotels, like the Sheraton where I stayed last night. After a scrumptious supper at the fabulous Second avenue grill, I found myself discussing evening plans with my brother, and asked him if he would be coming home to sleep that night. It was then that I realized I had just referred to the Sheraton as home. It was not the last time I did it that night either.

Is home simply for me where I lay my head? Where I keep some necessities (and some luxuries) at hand, and am comfortable? After travelling the world I am comfortable in almost any setting. Now I am in a condo right on the river beside the Broadway bridge. Here I will sleep until I leave Saturday and already have I slipped into the mistake of calling it Home. In Europe I had two semi-permanent locations, both to which I referred to as home, and whilst in Paris I even found Mandolin's comfy apartment receiving said title. I am a nomad my friend. My mom comments on how i move into every space as soon as I enter (the truck normally) but move out just as quickly. I am not "living" in my living room... simply existing as best I know how.

I have memories linked to locations sure. I have had some fantastic houses, shared times in them with fantastic people, and am grateful for all of these moments. I just am a little jealous is all.

Well, Home is where you are. Remember that everyone. I'm home, today tomorrow... always, now that is comforting.

Saying: I am beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head.
Song: Tell Me by Dropping Daylight

Finals, moving and bunnies

So it was recently easter!

Huzzuh! Chocolate! (au chocolat?) easter bunnies and ridiculous e-mails involving pictures of baby chickens wearing bunny ears..., chicks have really taken this playboy bunny thing too far. Hun, not even on halloween, it's slutty whenever you do it, so if thats what you are going for. If it's any deterant, ever time I see a girl wearing Bunnt ears I cannot help but think of the old fat woman who came into work a few weeks ago wearing a purple pair... she wishes she had the ability to "slut it up" as it were.

So Easter was great except for the fact I basically have strep throat, or something like that, and was in bed for 3 out of

4 days of the long weekend (missing work thurs through to sat)

Finals!! My first one is biology (ugh) tomorrow at 7 pm... at leastr the time is great, even if the date sucks. after that not a single one until 2 on the 24th and my final final (more fun to say then you think!) on the 27th.

Following my final final (ok, seriously, just say it! If your in school you understand that happy feeling that accompanies!) I am moving! Huzzuh! And AHHH!

Soooo terrified! It is the summer and I won't know anyone! I will be exploring a new city, looking for new shopping venues, dog walking paths, work, and friends.

Oh! And a place where I can get a decent cup of soup. And it has to be a cup, otherwise the place just isnt quirky enough for me.

Good news is I am only 3 hours away from van city so I expect to go there a fair bit to visit family and friends, and my best friend since like grade 2, Yvonne, is having her baby in July (congrats hun!) so I get to be there for that!!

I will miss you all so much!!! It is nearing so quickly! Remember, april 27th, we are partying like it was 1999... if any of us had been old enough to party like we do now then... Im not feeling the musical chairs.

Location ideas anyone? Most people at work seem to suggest The Hose, which works for me, or The Skuz (it is a friday).

In other news, my brother is here on the 19th! For my mums graduation... OMG SHE IS GRADUATING!!!!!! This has been a defining issue for my entire Saskatoon life, mum in school. Now she is done as is my time in saskatoon, fitting no?

Thats all for now!

Luv The Girl (you all know which one)

Song: New Shoes by Paolo Nutini

Saying: It's not over till the fat lady sings

As For the final picture, I decided to post a picture of all the places where I have lived. There are quite a few
Vancouver, my first home

Second hometown for less than a year, Prince George.

Gibsons B.C., Some of my fondest memories and friends are here

Port Alice, 7 years of fun, while I was still too young to realize I was in the middle of nowhere

Wurzberg! Near Linz, home of my first nanny gig... don't ask

Salzberg, right by Kuhl, home of one of the coolest famalies I know and love

Saskatoon... Home of the coolest people I know, I'm gonna miss you guys!

Americans are NOT stupid - WITH SUBTITLES

oh my, only Americans. God save you all! (I said God, not Bush)

nostalgia

I have been feeling a little nostalgic lately. I suppose that is fairly normal at endings, you cannot help but look back on your life and love missing some of the good times. Triple threat, the a-team, Friday night sharp club, Louis, Lydia's and lot 69. the pit, the car graveyard and the elevator message board. partying at Jer's, swimming and Europe. I am extremely nostalgic when it comes to Europe, and why not? It was 7 months of my life. It was weird yesterday to think that only a year ago I was there, it came with remembering Easter with the Peterca's. I should e-mail them or something.

Side note, I leave in 28 days. oh, that just made me think of the movie... weird...

Yes Jordan I will go watch grindhouse with you. It looks so cheezy old school that I am actually pretty pumped.

Junofest! Sat at lydias!!

Song: Am I ready by Spitalfield

Saying: every beginning is some other beginnings end

Moving!

So my last day is April 27th and then I move to B.C. My mother wants to leave right after my final exam. (it ends at like 5 pm that day)

But wait, my last days are to be filled with tests and studying? I think not!!!

I have convinced her to let me have that one last night of partying.

It will be huge.

You all better be there

Desire

Annnnnnd....

I am officially a sap.

officially

like card carrying, badge wearing, stupidly and completely a sap.

This is what happens when you watch pride and prejudice like twice in a row, then wish Mr. Darcy was real. Oh man the pathetic-ness of my situation is pretty much oozing, and oozing is never good.

The worst part, is this whole " significant connection" is so bloody attainable! So why don't I go for it? The answer is simple, they don't fit my profile, which is apparently a dark shaggy brown haired guy, bout 6'1, listens to music I have never heard of, has great vocabulary, hopefully an accent and a scar. Oh and not a pretty boy. i don't remember the rest, but I have been profiled, haha you should try it some time.

On the other hand, I have the numbers of three new guys in my phone (I didn't ask for one, how they got there, only the alcohol knows, that or they phoned me cause, and this is a great line, "I don't know, your friend put it there". Suuuuure she did, cause she is my personal pimp) I don't think I will phone any. Let them come to me by which I mean I am not encouraging anything, but if it happens it happens.

It doesn't help that I want to drink all the time and am incrediably... um... angry...

Jordan will get it.

well thats all for now!! School sucks but I just aced a spot test in bio! whoo! go me!

Song: Better Off by Justin Timberlake

Saying: you think therefore you are, it is insignificant therefore...

OK Go - Here It Goes Again

quite possibly the best music video ever, just shows what happens when you take 8 treadmills and a bunch of genius!

Limerence

This weekend started off casually enough, so imagine my surprise when it turned into an emotional rollercoaster.

First on the block, guilt, from my friend, about what we should do Friday. Then turned to shock fear, surprise, embarrassment, more guilt, contentment.

next day.


angst, boredom, worry, lethargy, sadness, a wary happiness, happy, angry confused, indignant and tired. I'm tired of dealing with all this, its making me feel sick. you know what that makes me? Sick and tired, sick and tired of this bullshit.

next day.

well you get the picture. I laughed, I cried, I yelled, and I contemplated many a things.

The most depressing thing is nothing is resolved, nothing has begun or ended, we are as stagnant as we ever were, with a few alcohol induced moments under our belt and an unshakable feeling time has indeed moved on without us, and now it is going to be a hell of a race to catch up.

well on your mark, get set, go,

I will see you all at the finish line.

Just some points from the weekend. Fought with... well... everyone. Great Thai food with discussions on the universe, fighting in a bookstore while simultaneously checking out the hottest dad ever. almost getting hit by a car. sneaking drinks, Watching a tipsy Angie go into hysterics about her leather jacket being ripped. I swear watch out for that coat check, they lost my sisters cell phone wallet (lost... it was Von dutch and she made sure they put it in the pocket, whatever lost) throwing ice at Jordan, dealing with his temper there following (youuuuu were drunk), dealing with a boy who truly needs more of a female influence in his life, 'cause he just dumb'. Fucking new kids... and fighting with my mother, my sisters, and everyone else who tried to "reach out". Seriously, back off, I'm fine, but I am feeling a little like a cornered wolf right now, and we all know what happens when you push it too far.

Oh, and the place in b.c. might be secured, looking at Thompson river, looking at the pulp mill, looking at alot of things really. Cannot wait till summer, oh and mum is gone all weekend.

Thank you Tennov, but I feel as if if you were a bit of the mark this time

Song: A wolf in sheep's clothing by This Providence

Saying: All the world's a stage,And all the men and women merely players.They have their exits and their entrances,And one man in his time plays many parts,His acts being seven ages."

The ocean knocked me about like a prize fighter

Have you ever played the game where you tell two stories, one that is amazing but true, the other a myth, a big fish story if you will. The aim of the game is for the others to try and guess which story is true and which is false.

There was this girl who toungue turned to lead every time she tried to talk about... (lead)... But she is fine.

There was this girl who didn't talk about... (lead)... because there was nothing to say.

guess, now...
Your turn

You couldn't give me what I wanted, nor could I accept what you gave.

There is no paradise but paradise lost.

I rearranged my furniture thinking a change of scenery could throw me out of this rythym.

It didn't


I bought far too many things I didn't need, simply because they were pretty and I thought it would fill the space you left.


It didn't.


I tried to remember when that space wasnt there.


I couldnt.


I cried hoping that letting it out would also let it get away.


It's still here.


I tried not to hate you.


or her.


I succeeded,


then realized that the problem is not to not hate you...


I need to learn how to hate you.


Why can I not stay angry at you?

What are these damn rage flashes that start with such force and just leave me exhausted and tired by the time you arrive. Why do I allow it to dissipate at the sound of your voice? Why do I only wish to tell you I love you and hear the same in return, and believe you mean it? I wish I didn't wish that I still smoked. I wish that i didn't wish to be small again, when I could curl upon your chest, my head tucked under you chin, and that warmth was simply enough. I wish I still felt secure. I wish for safety, and I wish I could trust someone, ANYONE again. Damn, even my friends, 'cause they want to help, and I am pretty sure they don't try to hurt me.


But only pretty sure... I don't trust myself either.


There is one good thing from all this. I love her more, I love him more still. and for a few moments when I see him and he holds me, I feel safer then I believe you ever could make me, and I can hope for a second that someone out there will make me feel that safe again.


Oh, I blame you for that guy. The one who met that girl first. The one who I hate for not being the person I could truly care about, but is just enough to make me smile and wistful. The one who reassures me by doing nothing, but simply by allowing me to realize that I am not HER.


(by the way, she doesn't exist, stop telling yourself she does, I know her better then anyone and she isn't her. I'm not her either, don't transfer those emotions, that's my job)


Why can I not just be okay?


The alcohol wasn't an accident, I simply wanted an excuse.


I didn't fall.


I am also blaming you for my riddles, because I am not going to trust anyone who reads this to understand, and I don't trust them enough to let them too... But this still seems to help. lets hope this time when I let it out, some of it will go away.

Please go away.

Song: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by This Providence
Saying: In the end nothing should be left unsaid, even if it's only to the air.

Lust

Click.

Do you all remember the girl who didn't believe in love, romance, and fate? Or that great line "sure it may exist, just not for me"?

moment of silence for her passing.

I know, I know, a little ridiculous that the oh so cynical me would trade in her spots for some dreamy thoughts, but I have. The most depressing thing is this whole change came along with the most recent greys anatomy, where grey died. Going to tell it like it is... I absolutely teared a little in the last scene where Izzie and Danny pass in the hall... Oh my god, I have become a sap.

I suppose the realization is also in part from the fact that I don't like sleeping alone, so with missing Jaime and sleeping with Tyson (oh that was bad news) I am just melancholy.

In any case I now know that I want love, regardless of wether it is out there or not. Guess I am ready for the relationship game... oh, but am I ever terrified.

god love me, help me and hold me, until I am ready to allow someone else to

Stress

It seems since the day you are born you are told "one day this will all make sense" Whether it was learning you numbers, ABC's or the finer points of Chaucer, we are led to believe in the mythical day when things will click. And why not? The evidence is there, I can count, read and write. In times many things did seem to in fact make sense.

Unfortunately not everything does. There isn't any day out there when things will just click. Right now I am more stressed then ever about school. I have slacked off and now I am beginning to reap the repercussions. Papers are due and I have no time to write them, exams are coming up and suddenly I realize that I don't know a damn thing.

When did life stop being so easy? When did it happen that you have to try and the path was just there evident? And when exactly may I ask did doing the right thing become so subjective?

Tangent, but who cares. I am wondering when it was suddenly a question of doing right by yourself or doing right by another and when did the two become so mutually exclusive? The good of the individual is not reflective of the good of the whole, simply look at globalization. And don't give me that bullshit of the whole being made up of individuals. Some of those individuals are king shit of turd hill. Some are dung beetles and bacteria (they do quite well here) and the rest are the individuals who have to walk around with the stench in the air and just deal with it until they become used to the smell.

But back to the main topic at hand here.

Life isn't easy, but nor is it a race. Rather it is a tedious chore that like cleaning your room has to take alot of pressure from a superior or a bit of self determination on your part to even simply commence, let alone finish.

What do I want to do when I grow up? What do I want to be? And more importantly what the fuck do I want to do and be right at this moment. Where is all this leading and just how deep a hole have I exactly dug myself into? I suppose we have until September to know the answer to that one, but at this moment it is looking like there will be no return of Caitlin, the procrastinator at large.

Love

It's Valentines day! A day of Cinnamon kisses, chocolate wishes, and construction paper hearts that still mean more then Hallmark, despite their best attempts. Today people profess their love for their significant other (Or giddily dance around the three famous words), get drunk with the boys, or watch Audrey Hepburn in Funnyface through mascara tinted tears, depending on your current relationship situation.

Now Valentine's day, like any other event promoting happiness, has it's harpers of badwill. Like an overstuffed closet, it doesn't take much prodding for a flood of valentine dissenters to come pouring out, efficiently burying you in shoes, groans, and mumbled negativity. And for what reason? Can anyone truly have anything against a day that simply commemorates love, romance, and relationships? Of course not!

But they can dislike the one day of the year where it is more obvious then ever they still haven't found 'the one' without any qualms.

Do what I do! Just because you haven't found it yet doesn't mean you never will! If you truly believe you never will find that 'other half', well I suggest 1L of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia to help you come to terms with that. Me? I am grabbing some valentines for my other single gal-pals, some cheesy, feel-good-so-sappy-romantic-it-hurts movies, and a tub of those Cinnamon hearts (can't get enough!) and plunking down to enjoy it. God knows I am not the first girl single on this fateful day and I won't be the last. Why feel alone when there are obviously so many of us?

Song: My only one by the Plain White T's

Saying: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Happy Valentines Day!

~Love The Girl