nostalgia

I have been feeling a little nostalgic lately. I suppose that is fairly normal at endings, you cannot help but look back on your life and love missing some of the good times. Triple threat, the a-team, Friday night sharp club, Louis, Lydia's and lot 69. the pit, the car graveyard and the elevator message board. partying at Jer's, swimming and Europe. I am extremely nostalgic when it comes to Europe, and why not? It was 7 months of my life. It was weird yesterday to think that only a year ago I was there, it came with remembering Easter with the Peterca's. I should e-mail them or something.

Side note, I leave in 28 days. oh, that just made me think of the movie... weird...

Yes Jordan I will go watch grindhouse with you. It looks so cheezy old school that I am actually pretty pumped.

Junofest! Sat at lydias!!

Song: Am I ready by Spitalfield

Saying: every beginning is some other beginnings end

Moving!

So my last day is April 27th and then I move to B.C. My mother wants to leave right after my final exam. (it ends at like 5 pm that day)

But wait, my last days are to be filled with tests and studying? I think not!!!

I have convinced her to let me have that one last night of partying.

It will be huge.

You all better be there

Desire

Annnnnnd....

I am officially a sap.

officially

like card carrying, badge wearing, stupidly and completely a sap.

This is what happens when you watch pride and prejudice like twice in a row, then wish Mr. Darcy was real. Oh man the pathetic-ness of my situation is pretty much oozing, and oozing is never good.

The worst part, is this whole " significant connection" is so bloody attainable! So why don't I go for it? The answer is simple, they don't fit my profile, which is apparently a dark shaggy brown haired guy, bout 6'1, listens to music I have never heard of, has great vocabulary, hopefully an accent and a scar. Oh and not a pretty boy. i don't remember the rest, but I have been profiled, haha you should try it some time.

On the other hand, I have the numbers of three new guys in my phone (I didn't ask for one, how they got there, only the alcohol knows, that or they phoned me cause, and this is a great line, "I don't know, your friend put it there". Suuuuure she did, cause she is my personal pimp) I don't think I will phone any. Let them come to me by which I mean I am not encouraging anything, but if it happens it happens.

It doesn't help that I want to drink all the time and am incrediably... um... angry...

Jordan will get it.

well thats all for now!! School sucks but I just aced a spot test in bio! whoo! go me!

Song: Better Off by Justin Timberlake

Saying: you think therefore you are, it is insignificant therefore...

OK Go - Here It Goes Again

quite possibly the best music video ever, just shows what happens when you take 8 treadmills and a bunch of genius!

Limerence

This weekend started off casually enough, so imagine my surprise when it turned into an emotional rollercoaster.

First on the block, guilt, from my friend, about what we should do Friday. Then turned to shock fear, surprise, embarrassment, more guilt, contentment.

next day.


angst, boredom, worry, lethargy, sadness, a wary happiness, happy, angry confused, indignant and tired. I'm tired of dealing with all this, its making me feel sick. you know what that makes me? Sick and tired, sick and tired of this bullshit.

next day.

well you get the picture. I laughed, I cried, I yelled, and I contemplated many a things.

The most depressing thing is nothing is resolved, nothing has begun or ended, we are as stagnant as we ever were, with a few alcohol induced moments under our belt and an unshakable feeling time has indeed moved on without us, and now it is going to be a hell of a race to catch up.

well on your mark, get set, go,

I will see you all at the finish line.

Just some points from the weekend. Fought with... well... everyone. Great Thai food with discussions on the universe, fighting in a bookstore while simultaneously checking out the hottest dad ever. almost getting hit by a car. sneaking drinks, Watching a tipsy Angie go into hysterics about her leather jacket being ripped. I swear watch out for that coat check, they lost my sisters cell phone wallet (lost... it was Von dutch and she made sure they put it in the pocket, whatever lost) throwing ice at Jordan, dealing with his temper there following (youuuuu were drunk), dealing with a boy who truly needs more of a female influence in his life, 'cause he just dumb'. Fucking new kids... and fighting with my mother, my sisters, and everyone else who tried to "reach out". Seriously, back off, I'm fine, but I am feeling a little like a cornered wolf right now, and we all know what happens when you push it too far.

Oh, and the place in b.c. might be secured, looking at Thompson river, looking at the pulp mill, looking at alot of things really. Cannot wait till summer, oh and mum is gone all weekend.

Thank you Tennov, but I feel as if if you were a bit of the mark this time

Song: A wolf in sheep's clothing by This Providence

Saying: All the world's a stage,And all the men and women merely players.They have their exits and their entrances,And one man in his time plays many parts,His acts being seven ages."

The ocean knocked me about like a prize fighter

Have you ever played the game where you tell two stories, one that is amazing but true, the other a myth, a big fish story if you will. The aim of the game is for the others to try and guess which story is true and which is false.

There was this girl who toungue turned to lead every time she tried to talk about... (lead)... But she is fine.

There was this girl who didn't talk about... (lead)... because there was nothing to say.

guess, now...
Your turn

You couldn't give me what I wanted, nor could I accept what you gave.

There is no paradise but paradise lost.

I rearranged my furniture thinking a change of scenery could throw me out of this rythym.

It didn't


I bought far too many things I didn't need, simply because they were pretty and I thought it would fill the space you left.


It didn't.


I tried to remember when that space wasnt there.


I couldnt.


I cried hoping that letting it out would also let it get away.


It's still here.


I tried not to hate you.


or her.


I succeeded,


then realized that the problem is not to not hate you...


I need to learn how to hate you.


Why can I not stay angry at you?

What are these damn rage flashes that start with such force and just leave me exhausted and tired by the time you arrive. Why do I allow it to dissipate at the sound of your voice? Why do I only wish to tell you I love you and hear the same in return, and believe you mean it? I wish I didn't wish that I still smoked. I wish that i didn't wish to be small again, when I could curl upon your chest, my head tucked under you chin, and that warmth was simply enough. I wish I still felt secure. I wish for safety, and I wish I could trust someone, ANYONE again. Damn, even my friends, 'cause they want to help, and I am pretty sure they don't try to hurt me.


But only pretty sure... I don't trust myself either.


There is one good thing from all this. I love her more, I love him more still. and for a few moments when I see him and he holds me, I feel safer then I believe you ever could make me, and I can hope for a second that someone out there will make me feel that safe again.


Oh, I blame you for that guy. The one who met that girl first. The one who I hate for not being the person I could truly care about, but is just enough to make me smile and wistful. The one who reassures me by doing nothing, but simply by allowing me to realize that I am not HER.


(by the way, she doesn't exist, stop telling yourself she does, I know her better then anyone and she isn't her. I'm not her either, don't transfer those emotions, that's my job)


Why can I not just be okay?


The alcohol wasn't an accident, I simply wanted an excuse.


I didn't fall.


I am also blaming you for my riddles, because I am not going to trust anyone who reads this to understand, and I don't trust them enough to let them too... But this still seems to help. lets hope this time when I let it out, some of it will go away.

Please go away.

Song: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by This Providence
Saying: In the end nothing should be left unsaid, even if it's only to the air.