The ocean knocked me about like a prize fighter

Have you ever played the game where you tell two stories, one that is amazing but true, the other a myth, a big fish story if you will. The aim of the game is for the others to try and guess which story is true and which is false.

There was this girl who toungue turned to lead every time she tried to talk about... (lead)... But she is fine.

There was this girl who didn't talk about... (lead)... because there was nothing to say.

guess, now...
Your turn

You couldn't give me what I wanted, nor could I accept what you gave.

There is no paradise but paradise lost.

I rearranged my furniture thinking a change of scenery could throw me out of this rythym.

It didn't


I bought far too many things I didn't need, simply because they were pretty and I thought it would fill the space you left.


It didn't.


I tried to remember when that space wasnt there.


I couldnt.


I cried hoping that letting it out would also let it get away.


It's still here.


I tried not to hate you.


or her.


I succeeded,


then realized that the problem is not to not hate you...


I need to learn how to hate you.


Why can I not stay angry at you?

What are these damn rage flashes that start with such force and just leave me exhausted and tired by the time you arrive. Why do I allow it to dissipate at the sound of your voice? Why do I only wish to tell you I love you and hear the same in return, and believe you mean it? I wish I didn't wish that I still smoked. I wish that i didn't wish to be small again, when I could curl upon your chest, my head tucked under you chin, and that warmth was simply enough. I wish I still felt secure. I wish for safety, and I wish I could trust someone, ANYONE again. Damn, even my friends, 'cause they want to help, and I am pretty sure they don't try to hurt me.


But only pretty sure... I don't trust myself either.


There is one good thing from all this. I love her more, I love him more still. and for a few moments when I see him and he holds me, I feel safer then I believe you ever could make me, and I can hope for a second that someone out there will make me feel that safe again.


Oh, I blame you for that guy. The one who met that girl first. The one who I hate for not being the person I could truly care about, but is just enough to make me smile and wistful. The one who reassures me by doing nothing, but simply by allowing me to realize that I am not HER.


(by the way, she doesn't exist, stop telling yourself she does, I know her better then anyone and she isn't her. I'm not her either, don't transfer those emotions, that's my job)


Why can I not just be okay?


The alcohol wasn't an accident, I simply wanted an excuse.


I didn't fall.


I am also blaming you for my riddles, because I am not going to trust anyone who reads this to understand, and I don't trust them enough to let them too... But this still seems to help. lets hope this time when I let it out, some of it will go away.

Please go away.

Song: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by This Providence
Saying: In the end nothing should be left unsaid, even if it's only to the air.